Saturday, February 8, 2020

I'm Regretfully Leaving the SQL Server Community

I’m leaving the SQL Server community. In the year and a half since I transitioned, I’ve been to 3 SQLSaturdays. I left all of them crying. 

In Iowa City at almost every session I had a large space of empty chairs around me and was misgendered multiple times. 

In Nashville last month a well-known member of the community misgendered me in a class, and although the speaker corrected her, she misgendered me 2 more times that night at the after party. 

In St. Louis last night a speaker misgendered me and in the last session I was in today the speaker pointed at me and said loudly “the guy said.” I’ve never been so aggressively misgendered. There was a member of the SQLSaturday organizing team one seat away from him and she couldn’t be bothered to correct him. I can only assume that she felt the same way. I couldn’t defend myself because I was so physically ill that I was fighting not to throw up. 

When I transitioned and was treated like a non-person by many co-workers, I realized I had to put up with it for a paycheck. But I decided that I wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything where I was made to feel that bad. So, I’m leaving this community. The wonderful people that I’ve met, and in particular, those of you that have been so kind to me since my transition I’m going to miss very much.